Oh no! Not Another Freakin' Movie Parody!
by Blackspiderman
Summary: Remember when Family Guy parodied Star Wars with "Blue Harvest"? Well Peter is taking it a step further and parodying the Harry Potter series, starting with "The Sorceror's Stone". See inside for full details. Rated T. Important cast change in chapter 1!
1. The Snow Storm

**Family Guy**

**Episode I: The Magical Testicle**

**Fanfiction Summary: Remember when Family Guy parodied Star Wars with "Blue Harvest"? Well, Peter is taking advantage of a snow storm by retelling the story of Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone with the Family Guy cast. See below for cast list. (Note: This is not a crossover fanfic, so I will be posting it under the regular Family Guy section.)**

**Disclaimer: Harry Potter and Family Guy do not belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling and Seth MacFarlane respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

**Prologue**

* * *

It was a dark and stormy night, and Quahog, Rhode Island was in the middle of one of its worst storms in years, as snow was pounding down from the sky, with already nearly a foot of snow on the ground.

The family was gathered in the living room, watching the news as to when this snow storm were to end.

"Good evening, Quahog. I'm Tom Tucker."

"And I'm Diane Simmons. And this is a Channel 5 news weather watch report."

"The weather outside is frightful, but the fire may not be so delightful. Temperatures are dropping at a rapid rate, having already dropped from 7 degrees to 3 below zero in this past hour alone, and new weather reports predict that it's only going to drop even more before the night's end."

"That's right, Tom. And here with more on our weather watch report is Channel 5 Asian correspondent Trisha Takanawa."

The TV screen switched over to Trisha Takanawa standing outside in the freezing weather, wearing an extremely heavy coat.

"That's right, Diane. I'm standing outside in the mist of this grueling snow storm. Reports are predicting more than 16 inches of snowfall before night's end, and a drop in temperature to about 30 below zero before night's end. Wind chills are reported at -40, and winds have been reported at 40-50 miles per hour in the tri-state area. Already over 15,000 homes are without power, and that number is estimated to increase to at least 30,000 before tomorrow. We'll have live coverage of this storm as it happens. Out in Quahog, Rhode Island, I'm Trisha Takanawa, Channel 5 news."

The TV screen switched back to Tom & Diane.

"Thank you, Trisha." Tom said. "Coming up at the top of the hour, we'll have ways for you to stay warm in these harsh times. Plus, little 8-year old Sandra Cantu found murdered in a black suitcase. We'll have all the details coming up next."

The Griffins, upon hearing the news of the storm getting worse, started to worry.

"Aw man, this storm's getting worse. We're never gonna get outta here." Peter said, as he started shivering. "Brr, it's freezing in here. I better turn up the heat." He stood up and walked over to the thermostat and tried to turn the knob, but instead, it broke off. "Son of a bitch!"

"What is it, Peter?" A worried Lois asked, as Peter returned to the couch in a defeated manner.

"What the hell does it look like? The f#cking knob broke. We're without heat now!"

"Oh my god! No heat!?"

"Yes Lois, now do you have to repeat everything I say!? Jeez, this is even worse than when I was an assasain."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to a small, Chicago home where Darnell Donerson, and Jason Hudson, Jennifer Hudson's mother and brother, are sitting on the bed, quietly reading. The front door suddenly swings open and Peter jumps into the room, a .45 caliber in hand. He points it at both of them as they scream in terror._

_"W-W-What the hell is this!?" Jason yelled out in terror._

_"I've been assigned to kill you. Now I hope you aren't wearing fresh underwear...because when people die, they void their bawls."_

_Jason sighed defeat. "Oh alright. If this is what's meant to me, it's meant to be. So just do it, man. Hit me with your best shot." And then as if this was that gay movie "High School Musical", he and Darnell broke out into song._

**_Hit me with your best shot  
Hit me with your best shot  
Hit me with your best shot  
Fire away!_**

_But as soon as they did, Peter became pissed off, and then just started shooting them uncontrollably. "F#ck you, you sons of bitches! Jennifer Hudson sucks and disco is so 2004!"_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Great! So now we're without heat in a freezing snow storm!" Lois exclaimed. "What the hell are we supposed to do now!?"

"Do I look like I know, Lois!? Jesus, this hasn't happened since we bought this house! God can't fail us now! He can't fail us Catholics when Mel Gibson has alreayd failed the Jews!"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Mel Gibson at a press conference, where he is about to issue an apology to the Jews._

_"I'm really, really sorry about your big noses. I'm really sorry about how greedy you are. But most of all, I'm really sorry about your dirty, underhanded, back-stabbing ways. Your #1 dity Jew fan, Mel Gibson."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Well whatever happens, at least we have each other." Lois said, hoping to raise their enthusiasm, and while she did for a moment, that completely faded when the TV screen came back on to the news room.

"Breaking news coming in right now. We are following the '09 Rhode Island snow storm, and it's hitting us harder than Chris Brown hit Rihanna. Right, Tom?"

"Oh yessiree, Diane. Weather reports now coming in indicate and massive 32'' of snow to hit the ground before 4 am tomorrow! The temperatures, already at record lows, are now expected to drop to a record -45 degrees by tomorrow. We'll stay on the air and have live coverage of this massive storm as it happens."

The Griffin family did not look very positive to the upcoming storm. They were now shivering more than ever.

"Dammit, this storm is never going to let up." Brian angrily muttered. "By the time it does, we'd be lucky not have adapted back to the caveman times!"

"Yeah!" Stewie shouted. "Because the only thing worse than a caveman is a Mexican! And we don't need them! I'm telling you, they're as bad as the homeless people."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Stewie walking down the street when he passes a homeless baby holding a plastic cup._

_"Spare some change, mister?" The baby asks._

_"Sure." Stewie replies as he pretends to get a coin out and drops it into the cup._

_"You didn't put anything in there."_

_"Yes I did. I put hope in there. Hope. Don't spend it in one place, tubby."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"This is just perfect! I have to spend the next 24 hours stuck in the same room as my annoying family!" Meg shouted in frustration. She clearly was not in the mood for her family tonight.

"Well Meg, no one is _forcing_ you to stay here. If you want to jump into the cold snow, we'll bury you in a pet cemetery."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Peter Griffin patting down some dirt over a hole in which he had buried his daughter Meg in. Sadly, moments later, Zombie Meg sprangs out of the hole and attempts to attack Peter. But he hits her hard in the head with his hefty shovel of hardness. (Try saying that three times fast). "OK, maybe we'll bury her in a regular cemetery."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"But dad, what are we supposed to do until the snow clears up!?" Chris asked, scared.

"Well...I think I might have an idea..."

"Peter we are not going to play "I never." Brian said. "The last time you did that, you ended up writing on Quagmire's face."

"No, no, no. Not like that. Here, I'll show you." Peter went into the kitchen and grabbed several bottles of 8 oz. Ipecac and gave one to each of them. "No, we're gonna play a drinking game I like to call. 'No you clean that up! No, you do! Cause I-Cause I'm not the one who threw up there, you did! And i-if you're not going to clean it up, then you can go f#ck yourself, you lazy back-stabbing piece of sh#t!' Now these are Ipecac bottles I bought from a drug store. Now, there's an extra chocolate bunny in the fridge leftover from Easter, and whoever goes the longest without puking can have it."

Everyone in the room took a drink out of their bottles. "OK, here we go." Two minutes, and so far, no one had thrown up. "How's everybody doing?"

"Good. Good so far." Brian said.

"Alright. Alright."

"Nothing yet." Stewie also said.

"Cool. Cool. You know, I'm not exactly sure if you guy have had any of those bunnies yet, but my god they are so f#cking delicious. I mean seriously, they're so freakin' chocolatey. I'm not even sure if it's humanly possible to eat that much chocolate in one d--BLLLAAAH!" Peter immediately started to throw up.

"Ha! One down!" Lois cheered in a victory tone. "I know someone who's not getting their grubby little hands on that bu--BLLLAAAH!" ANd with that, Lois had thrown up as well.

"Ha! Bow down, bitch! That damn bunny is mi--BLLLAAAH!" Stewie was out as well.

Soon followed by Meg and Chris, and then only Brian was left.

"Yes! Un-freakin'-believable! You can all suck my gri--BLLLAAAH!" Of course that didn't mean he was off the hook. He still drank and of course was going to throw up, it's just that he was the last one to do it.

"Oh my god, why didn't anybody stop me! I'm just a freakin' bab--BLLLLAAAHH!" Stewie threw up again, and was soon followed by Chris and Brian again.

"Oh my god my insides are on f--BLLLLLAAAAHH!" Peter was next to vomit again.

Everyone continued to throw up everywhere for the next few minutes.

"BBLLLLLAAAAAHHH!"

"BBLLLLLAAAAAAHHHH!"

"BBLLLLLLAAAAAAAHHHH!"

"BBLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! O-OK, OK I think it's all gone." Brian said after his share of vomitting. "I think--BBBLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!" Unfortunately, the torment wasn't over.

"I don't wanna die!! I don't wanna--BBBLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!"

"Oh my god, what the hell was I think--BBBLLLLLLLLLAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!"

Everyone continued to throw up for another minute until finally, it did end, and everyone was physically exhausted. THey were literally laying in a pile of their own vomit. All of the feelings of nausia and exhaustion went away when they heard the back door break open and Joe, Quagmire, and a naked Cleveland entered.

"Hey guys! Boy, what a snow storm!" Quagmire said as they came in.

"Who wants Burger King?" Joe asked as they entered the living room and Joe showed them a bag of Burger King food. Upon hearing the words, everyone threw up again. But then, that was it, it was over. Everyone got themselves up, cleaned (mostly), and settled down for Burger King.

"So guys, how'd you get outta your homes?" Peter asked his friends.

"Oh, getting out of our house was easy." Joe commented. "Our _driveways_ were another story, though."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Joe and Quagmire leaving Joe's house with their Buger King bag. They both notice that Joe's car is covered in snow. So, Quagmire goes back into the house and gets a blower to blow the snow off the room. Then they both get into the car, and Joe attempts to back out, only to find out that the driveway is completely blocked by two feet of snow._

_"Oh damn, we're being blocked!" Joe shouted. He revved up his controls and prepared to go. "OK, I'm gonna try it, but if we don't make it out, well...then we're screwed." Joe fired up his handheld controls, and threw the car into reverse at full speed. Of course, what they failed to realize was that the pile of snow was actually snow, not ice like they had anticipated. So when they backed out of the car at full speed, they plushed right through the snow pile, and swirved out of control and reverse-slammed right into Cleveland's house._

_The entire front of Cleveland's house was destroyed when Joe's car crashed, and when it did, the debree from his house fell. He was in the bathtub when this happened, and when the front of his house was destroyed, so was the debree that was holding up the floorboard._

_It slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" Cleveland yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. Joe and Quagmire got out of the car, and ran out (Joe wheeled out) to see if Cleveland was OK. "W-Wha' happened?" Was all he said before he passed out._

_(End Cutaway)_

"SO now what? I mean we're trapped in here until this damn snow clears." Quagmire pointed out. "Do-Do we-Do we all just sit down and jack off to Jimmy Kimmel trying?"

"No, that never seems to work." Peter replied. "I tried it a couple of times and they all just blew up in my face. No, I have a better idea." Peter took a giant bite out of his burger, chewed for a moment, and then finally swallowed, and then put his burger down. "Everyone...this is a story of one of the greatest legends in our history. It is a tale of not only great fiction, but it can also be jacked off too if you are such a pervert"

"Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, h-hang on-hang on a sec." Quagmire said as he left the room for a moment, and then returned with a vile a fifth full of sperm. "Go ahead."

"Anyway -- sit back, relax, and enjoy as I retell the tale of one of our greatest legends -- the magical testicle."

"You mean a cheap movie parody?" Joe asked.

"Exactly."

**End of Prologue**

**Next Time: Peter retells the story of "Harry Potter and the Sorceror's Stone" in his own (or moreso, my own) twisted image.**

**Cast list (see below)**

**Stewie Griffin **as **Harry Potter  
Chris Griffin** as **Dudley Dursley  
Carter Pewterschmidt** as **Uncle Vernon  
Barbra Pewterschmidt **as** Aunt Petunia  
Peter Griffin** as **Rubues Hagrid  
Brian Griffin** as **Hagrid's Dragon  
Herbert "The Pervert" **as **Albus Dumbledore  
Lois Griffin **as** Professor McGonagall  
Cleveland Brown** as **Professor Snape  
Glenn Quagmire **as **The Wand Store Owner**  
**Bertram Griffin **as** Ronald Weasley  
Olivia Fuller **as **Hermione Granger  
Olivia's Playmate (Victor; _Chick Cancer)_ **as **Draco Malfoy  
Future Stewie **as **Professor Quirrell  
Joe Swanson **as **Professor Flitwick  
Bonnie Swanson** as** Molly Weasley**

**Expected Update: May 20th**

**Also, due to my late posting of this, the update date for "Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park" is being pushed from April 28th to May 3rd so I have enough time to actually write it. THank you for understanding.**


	2. From the Beginning

**Family Guy**

**Episode I: The Magical Testicle**

**Chapter 1: From the Beginning.**

**A/N: To clear up any confusion as to how I will address the characters, I will be addressing them as regular Harry Potter characters so to stay on topic with the story I'm posting. However, so there is no confusion later on, I'll put in parenthasis the characters they are supposed to be portraying. EX) When I mention Hagrid, I will put down Hagrid (Peter) because Peter is portraying Hagrid.**

**Plus, there is going to be a small change in the cast list. Instead of Cleveland playing Professor Snape, Professor Snape will be played by Glenn Quagmire, and the Wand Store Owner will be played by Cleveland. Also, Professor Quirrell will be played by The Greased up Deaf Guy. Sorry!**

**Disclaimer: _Harry Potter_ and _Family Guy _do not belong to me. They belong to J.K. Rowling and Seth MacFarlane respectively.**

**TV-PG-DLV**

* * *

It was a foggy night in the street of Privet Drive, and everyone living there was fast asleep in their cozy beds. The sweet aroma of slumber consumed all those who were normal and plain, or "Muggles", as it is called in the Wizarding World, or if you live in Canada, "Rednecks". Unannounced to the muggles on this drive, a brave new hero was about to be unleashed. A hero in the shape of a little baby.

A grave old man with a long white beard who appeared to be too gay to be Santa Clause, slowly walked down the streets and headed towards a house, a house labeled #4 Privet Drive, home of the world's most prickiest people you will ever meet since Tim Russert. His name was Albus Dumbledore (Herbert), and he was the head of a prestigious wizarding school, one that our young hero will one day attend unless he comes out of the closet. As he approached the home, the old man noticed a very small gray spotted cat walking about.

"Nice night out, isn't it, McGonagall?" Albus (Herbert) said quietly as to not draw any attention. The cat, in seconds, changed forms from a small gray cat-like figure into a tall woman in a black robe.

"Professor, are you sure we should do this?" Minerva McGonagall (Lois) asked the wise old man. Unknown to anyone on the streets or anyone in the world for that matter, our prospering hero was about to be left in the hands of a very abusive and hateful group of people. They were known as the Dursleys, or as we whites call them, "The Douchebags". "I've been watching these people all day, and they are horrible people. I mean, just look what they did to that little boy!"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to #4 Privet Drive, where an adorable little boy scout is walking up to try and sell Mr. and Mrs. Dursley (Carter and Barbra Pewterschmidt) some boy scout cookie. The boy rings the bell a couple of times before he waits patiently. Finally, Vernon (Carter) opens the door and looks grumpy at the kid._

_"Good morning, sir. Would you care to buy one of my delicious boy scout cookies? We're raising money to buy new camping equipment for our troop."_

_"Oh, isn't that precious?" Vernon (Carter) said sweetly to the boy before speaking his next line in a malicious tone. "Honey, I've got another one!" He shouted once before pulling out a shotgun and killing the boy, causing him to drop his box of cookies. Vernon then pulled the lifeless boy into the house by his legs, leaving behind a massive trail of blood._

_(End Cutaway)_

"Well I agree, Professor McGonagall (Lois). But this child has no other family. His parents were killed and there's no one else to leave him with. I mean, what in the world are we supposed to do? Leave him at the town dump?"

"No offense Professor, but I think he'll do much better _there _than _here_."

"Don't be a hypocryte, McGonagall. He's one of the most famous wizards the world has ever seen, and he's only a baby. If we were to put him in our world now and have him be exposed to all of this, it would seriousloy f#ck him up in the head."

"I don't know..."

McGonagall and Dumbledore were on different sides as to where they should take our young hero. Of course, their little squabble was halted abrutly when they saw some headlights in their direction. They looked over to see a big, fat person on a motorcycle coming towards them at about 85 miles an hour. ON the motorcycle was a really fat guy who worked for Dumbledore and went by the name of Rubeus Hagrid (Peter), and he had with him our hero on the back of his ride.

Unfortunately, Hagrid never really learned how to ride a motorcycle, so when he came up to the house, instead of slowly down, he instead accidentally sped up up to about 140 mph. He went so fast that he could no longer control his vehicle and instead jumped off of it with the baby before it crashed into some guy's house.

The entire front of the man's house was destroyed when Hagrid's motorcycle crashed into it, and when it did, the debree from his house fell. It was revealed to be a black man (Cleveland) and he was in the bathtub when this happened, and when the front of his house was destroyed, so was the debree that was holding up the floorboard.

It slowly started tipping downward and the bathtub started sliding off. "No, no, no, NO, NO, **NO**!" He yelled as his bathtub slid right off and fell to the ground, breaking on impact. "Wha' happened?"

Hagrid (Peter) paid no never mind to the incident and instead made his way back towards McGonagall (Lois) and Dumbledore (Herbert).

"Rubeus, are you OK?" McGonagall asked him as he arrived.

"Yes, Miss Bossy Pants, I'm fine. Jeez, don't get your vagina in a knot." Hagrid mocked to her. "I'm here, ain't I?"

"Yes, but where's the baby?" Dumbledore asked him angrily, getting impatient.

"What baby?---Oh god, I'll be right back!" Hagrid suddenly ran back to the scene of the crime and went to his motorcycle, and pulled out what was a tiny person wrapped in a blanket (Stewie), and then returned to McGonagall and Dumbledore. "Here he is! See, I told you I could get this little guy here in one piece. Are you sure you wanna do this, Professor?"

"He's got no one else. I mean, it's not like we can just leave him in the streets."

"I agree with Dumbledore." McGonagall (Lois) replied. "That would be even more irresponsible than silent movie porn."

"Well he's here now, and that's what's important." Hagrid agreed as he handed the baby to Dumbledore as he wiped a tear from his eye.

"Oh come on, Hagrid. Don't start on me now. Don't worry, you'll see him again." Dumbledore (Herbert) assured Hagrid.

"I know. It's just so hard to see him go. You know...for the past...11 minutes he's been like my son. I mean, this is gonna be the hardest thing I've ever done since I was on that game show."

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Hagrid (Peter) sitting in the hotseat of the gameshow "Who Wants to be a Millionaire"._

_"Alright, Mr. Hagrid, your $100 question is...**What is the proper term for a female reporductive organ thatis used to hold the fetus of a developing baby? A) **Uterus. **B)** Ovary. **C) **Vagina. **D) **Nutcracker."_

_"Ahh....oh my god, no. I know this...I know this..." Hagrid kept saying to himself as he pondered on one of the easiest questions of the show. "I-I'm gonna have to go with D) Nutcracker."_

_"D) Nutcracker...A-Are you sure?"_

_"Yes, I am sure."_

_"Is that...your final answer?" Regis was very desperate in hoping Hagrid would change his mind and his answer._

_"Final answer."_

_But he didn't. "I'm sorry, Rubeus, but the correct answer is A) Uterus."_

_"AHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!" Hagrid began to laugh hysterically. "You've got be joking! AHAHA! I mean, what the f#ck is a uterus anyway? AHAHAHA!" He believed that Regis was joking with him when he said that the correct answer was A. But when he saw that he wasn't joining in on the laughter, staying silent just like everyone in the audience, Hagrid slowly began to calm down. "Oh...oh you're serious?"_

_"Yes, Mr. Hagrid. You may now step down and let the next competitor go."_

_"Now hang on a second. I think I deserve another chance here. After all, I never studied about women before and looking at a Jew all this time made me all nervous." When Hagrid said "Jew", he was referring to Regis._

_"I'm assumign this 'Jew' you spoke of is **me**?"_

_"Yeah, that's right. Go f#ck yourself."_

_(End Cutaway)_

"Don't be sad, Hagrid." Dumbledore (Herbert) assured as they all walked towards #4 Privet Drive, the home of the meanest, cruelest, blackest (not really) family in the neighborhood. Hagrid (Peter) resisted tears as they made their way there, because he knew this wasn't goodbye forever. If it was, he would've taken them to the Twin Towers and let Osama bin Laden take care of him. But seriously though, Hagrid was upset and teary-eyed.

As Dumbledore gently placed the baby boy (Stewie) down onto the welcome mat, he too had doubts that this was truly right for him. "It is for the best. He's better off not knowing...until he is ready."

"Yes...it is best for all of us to wait until we are ready." Hagrid agreed, although he and Dumbledore were on 2 different pages. "After all, if I were to accidentally touch him, he'd start crying, I'd start crying, and then 8 years later, his repressed memories would haunt us and then I'd have to give him the talk--"

"No, no, you idiot. He means about his wizarding heritage." McGonagall commented, cupping her eyebrows together.

"Oh. OH! Oh, my god! Sorry, sorry, I am so sorry! Wow, that was a bit embarassing."

"F#cking idiot." McGonagall said to herself under her breath.

"God, I can't believe that dumbass just killed this kid's parents like that. I mean, what did he ever do to them to make him angry like that!?"

_(Cue Cutaway)_

_We cutaway to Mr. and Mrs. Potter (Mr. and Mrs. Goldman) playing Poker with a guy in a black hoodie, and it seems the black hoodie guy is winning. He layed down his cards. "Full house!" He shouted as he took the poker chips that were on Mr. and Mrs. Potter's side. "You lose. So uh, now, it looks like **you** owe **me **$50. So fork it over!"_

_"Uh..." Mr. Potter stuttered as he searched his wallet for some money. "Oh god, it seems I have no cash on me." Instead, he takes out a check book. "Will you take a check?"_

_And then all three of them started sharing a heart-felt laugh over what seemed like a harmless joke. Although to the guy in the hoodie, it wasn't a joke._

_"I'm so gonna kill you if you don't pay up." He said calmly to Mr. Potter, which was enough to make him and Mrs. Potter stop laughing and ponder on that for a moment. Then, when the two started laughing again, the guy in the hoodie pulled out a machine gun and shot them both everywhere, thus killing them on the spot._

_(End Cutaway)_

"I know, it's just horrible." McGonagall commented, also remembering what had happened. "Over $50, too."

"And that's muggle money we're talking about." Dumbledore also added.

"Yeah, in our world, that's enough to get you a night with Helen Keller." Hagrid laughed, expecting the two other Professors to laugh with him. And when they didn't, he got the signal and stopped. "What? Too soon?"

Dumbledore (Herbert), Hagrid (Peter), and McGonagall (Lois) began to make their way away from number 4 Privet Drive. Dumbledore took one last look back at the welcome mat and saw the little baby crawl out of his little blanket and get comfortable before falling back asleep, sucking on his thumb joyfully. His head was completely bald, but it was enough to reveal a small, lightning bolt scar on his forehead.

"When the time comes, he'll be ready. Good luck...Harry Potter..."

**End of Chapter 1!**

**I know it's short, but hey, it's a start. **

**Next Time: **Harry Potter's (Stewie's) journey begins ten years on! How will he handle it?

**Expected Update: **May 25th.

**Next Update: **Family Guy's Road Trip: South Park -- May 15th.


End file.
